"The Princess and the Pea: According to the Pea" by Ansley Uhron

Ansley Uhron

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom lived a king, a queen and their son. The king and the queen were very distraught over their son's romantic situation. Little did those fools know that I, a lowly pea, a mere vegetable, would be the key to solving their idiotic dilemma.

Personally, I don't understand why those people insisted that their son get married so soon anyway - he's too young. I'm sure the boy has better things to worry about. Besides I didn't meet my little pea wife until I was mature and well into adulthood. Silly humans. It was so frustrating having to sit in my home and not be able to enjoy a quiet evening with my family. Constantly, my family and I were forced to listen to argument after moronic argument.

I don't care how strong you think my aluminum can house may have been, the walls were thinner than you can imagine. Night after night, I would have to listen to the king and queen bitch and moan, because their son didn't like the suitor they had chosen for him. Oh, the things I've heard in that castle, not to mention the things I heard coming from the king and queen's bedroom late at night. Things that were enough to make even a pea blush.

Ahemso anyway, back to the story. After many failed romantic attempts and fights with his folks, the young man was beginning to become very flustered. He wanted desperately to get his parents off of his damn back, but he didn't know what to do.

One dreadful evening, in the midst of a horrible storm, the roof of my home was carelessly ripped off and discarded into the nearby trash can. The cook turned my home upside down and poured us out, rendering us homeless. My wife and our 100 children were mercilessly dumped onto a circular object and left for dead. All I could do was watch as those people lifted my children and my wife up to their disgusting face-holes and slowly mass murdered them.

Then just as I was about to suffer the same grotesque fate, there was a knock at the door. The king put down his mass murder utensil - by a stoke of pure luck, the king, for once, actually got off his *#^ to do something. He disappeared to the foyer of the castle and when he returned, standing beside him was a woman. She was dripping wet, her clothes were tattered, and her make-up smeared across her face.

Basically, she looked like hell.

"Damn girl!" the prince exclaimed. "What happened to you?" He was obviously less than tactful.

As if her appearance wasn't bad enough, she claimed to be a princess. She claimed she was out in the storm, away from her castle, and was seeking refuge for the night.

Now of course, the king and queen didn't believe she was a true princess, but with all of their rotten luck, they decided it was worth a shot to find out for sure. They made her up a bed in one of the castle's many guestrooms, but the queen had special instructions. Those morons came up with a brilliant idea, at least they thought it was. I, on the other hand, beg to differ. The queen went into the bedroom and stripped away all the bedding. She placed my body on the framework of the bed. Then she thought it necessary to pile 20 mattresses on top of me. As if that weren't bad enough, she then piled 20 feather blankets on top of the mattresses.

"We shall soon see if you are worthy," the queen said to herself.

When she finished making up the bed, I breathed a sigh of relief as I finally caught my breath, but my relief was short lived. That girl decided to go to bed quite early. She walked into the room and saw what the queen had done.

"What the hell? the girl asked. "How am I supposed to get up there? These people are nuts."

The girl shrugged off the thought and began to climb. Once she reached the top of the bed she plopped downhard.

"You have got to be freakin' kidding me," I thought.

Once again I felt all of the air being squeezed out of my tiny lungs. I must have blacked out, because I don't remember anything else until the next morning. I awakened rather disoriented and no longer underneath the mattresses. I was unsure of what had happened, but I heard people talking. I listened intently and heard the news.

The prince was actually getting married? How could this be? And to that peasant girl!? Impossible! I heard the queen explain that the girl had a rather restless night of sleep.

I thought, "so what? At least you were conscious!"

The queen than said something about the girl not sleeping because of me. She said the girl felt some hard "thing" under the mattress and it prevented her from sleeping. How could I, not even more that a few millimeters in circumference, have had any effect on that girl? The queen claimed that only a true princess could have such delicate skin and sensitivity to be able to feel a simple pea through 20 mattresses and 20 feather blankets. The prince took the girl to be his wife that very day.

What a stupid thing to base a relationship on.

None of that matters now, though. They were so impressed that they put me into the kingdom's museum.

Thank God. I finally got out of that hell-hole of a castle. They finally put me on the pedestal that I deserve. Now I'm rich and famouswell actually just famous. I'm not really rich, but what do peas need money for anyway?